wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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