I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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