Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
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