I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
