I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Enjoy the penises
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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