We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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