no you cant smoke seaweed
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize