Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize