a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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