Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
