Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
