Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
