The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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