Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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