I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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