Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
