dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
