Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
