Barsexuality is the new black.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
