Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize
