I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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