i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
