So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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