So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
