hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
