Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I need to align my fucking chakras
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