she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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