Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
