I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
