It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Text me some of your sweat
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