a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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