Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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