i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize