the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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