I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize