He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You have to summon your inner elephant
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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