wrigley field is MILF paradise
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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