1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
