Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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