Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize