You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
