Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
