Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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