You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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