stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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