Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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