i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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