i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
