dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Randomize