Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
