They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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