i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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