the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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