His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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