Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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