He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
