he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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