that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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