she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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