If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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