I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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