I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
