i barfeds in our rink
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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