Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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