i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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